Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
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My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
#NoRestForTheWicked
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.