Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
welp
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
#StillHurts
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed