You Might Also Like
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
i meant to share this earlier
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
A great tip. #CakeRex
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.