At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it鈥檚 not 19 & 9 馃槖
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Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren鈥檛 more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don鈥檛 want us to know I guess
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
It鈥檚 super offensive when they move on before you did.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I鈥檓 so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I鈥檓 naming this chin hair after him
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I鈥檓 giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
All I鈥檓 saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.