Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
be careful
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.