Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
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it must be school picture day
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.