Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
You Might Also Like
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Haha! 😂
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Accurate
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.