“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Cake!!
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Anyone really
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here