So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
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one of
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.