I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”