I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*