“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
When I laugh on my period
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.