*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.