They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.