me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised