Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down