me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
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I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Twitter remains undefeated
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I hope this email punches you square in the face
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Pass gas, not judgment.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*