Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping