When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.