When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
You Might Also Like
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Good advice.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.