I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..