Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.