Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
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Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.