File under excellent bookstore names.
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand