I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma