Cats (2019)
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What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars