“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I need to get some bricks…
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.