listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I support this random dude and all his protests
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.