One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
mmm onion ringos
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?