Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
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just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.