I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
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boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Bloody internet 😳
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
step 6: release the wall snake
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.