My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
At least my masseuse has my back.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.