[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
You Might Also Like
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
is this meant to deter me
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?