omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.