“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
You Might Also Like
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.