Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My inexpensive home security system…
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.