Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
You Might Also Like
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Hmmmmm
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.