It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
What?!?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.