Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
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Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.