using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?