It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
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ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.