[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
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When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator