no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
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If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.