Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
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What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.