“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
You Might Also Like
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!