Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child