Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.