You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
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She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Mornin
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.