*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
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Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
shit just got real
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]