[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.